I’M A FIREFIGHTER AND LOVE MY JOB AND ALL THAT BUT I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I’M ALSO A PYROMANIAC. I LOVE FIRE. MAYBE THAT’S WHY I BECAME A FIREFIGHTER. DAN, MY PROBLEM IS THAT LATELY I HAVE BEEN GOING TO FIGHT FIRES WITH MY COMPANY AND BEING A PYROMANIAC, I GET REALLY PISSED WHEN MY COMRADES GET THE FIRE UNDER CONTROL. MYSELF, I CAN’T EVEN SQUIRT MY HOSE AT A FIRE. I OFTEN FAKE IT. I ACTUALLY GET PHYSICALLY SICK WATCHING FLAMES BEING DOUSED INTO NOTHING BUT SMOLDERING EMBERS. DAN, IT’S GETTING WORSE. TWO NIGHTS AGO, AFTER WE RESPONDED TO A THREE-ALARM, I HELPED TO FURTHER THE FLAMES BY THROWING BUCKETS OF GASOLINE ON THE BUILDING. I KNOW I’M WRONG BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO?

SEEING RED

Dear SEEING RED

THERE’S NOTHING TO GET ALL FIRED-UP ABOUT. WHAT YOU HAVE IS A NEUROSIS; EIGHTY-SEVEN PERCENT OF THE POPULATION LIVE WITH SOME FORM OF NEUROSIS. I ONCE TREATED A MOUNTAIN-CLIMBER WHO HAD ACROPHOBIA; A POLICE OFFICER WHO HAD A FEAR OF DONUTS; A PRIEST WHO HAD CLAUSTROPHOBIA AND WHO WAS FORCED TO LIVE IN THE CLOSET. BESIDES THAT, HE WAS ASSIGNED THE CONFESSION BOOTH.

MR. RED, I KNOW YOU MUST HAVE ANXIETIES OF GETTING FIRED IF YOUR PYROMANIA IS REVEALED. I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE PROBABLY SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY ON GASOLINE AND YOUR WIFE’S WONDERING WHERE ALL THE MONEY’S GOING. I BET YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE UNLESS YOU LIGHT A FIRE FIRST. I BET SHE HAD WANTED TO DO THE THING IN THE SHOWER BUT HOW IN THE HELL WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO DO THAT? RED, YOUR MARRIAGE IS CRUMBLING BECAUSE OF YOUR F**KING SICK-ASSED BULLSHIT. YOU ARE ONE SICK PUPPY, RED. YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I DARE YOU COME OVER AND FIGHT A FIRE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. I’LL KICK YOUR ASS, YOU BASTARD.

Signed,

Dan (The Man) Landers – the guy who truly cares!!!!