My best friend has social anxiety. How can I be there for her without being annoying?
21 April 2010
2 Comments
MM asked:
I recently found out a friend of mine has social anxiety. I want to be there for her, but at the same time, not annoy her or make her feel less social. Is it common for her to retreat to the internet more than want to talk to me on the phone? Some pointers from those of you who have SA would be a ton of help. Please help
I recently found out a friend of mine has social anxiety. I want to be there for her, but at the same time, not annoy her or make her feel less social. Is it common for her to retreat to the internet more than want to talk to me on the phone? Some pointers from those of you who have SA would be a ton of help. Please help
my wife has it,just start off slowly,forcing issues make her want to retreat for weeks.go out places where theres not alot of ppl and work ur way up to more crowded places,anytime ur friend needs to leave,dont make a big deal,just go with them and try it another time.dont crowd them but always be there if they need u.its a balancing act,but if u can be patient,once they have gotton to go to the same places a couple of times and realise they are ok there,then u can take them to more diff places,not too much too soon tho.
It is so kind of you to want to be there for your friend and support her with this anxiety she has. Having social anxiety is such an ostracizing illness, because it takes away the things you love most – family and friends.
One of the biggest things for YOU to remember is that when she doesn’t want to hang out or seems to be pushing you away, it’s not anything that you’ve done, it’s the anxiety. She is scared and she isn’t scared of you, it’s just an irrational fear in her brain that is making her afraid of doing the things she really enjoys, like hanging out with her friends.
When you want to talk to her on the phone, call her up and say, “Hey, what’s up?” If she sounds nervous then say, “Is this an okay time to talk, or do you want to call me back later when you’re more comfortable?” Or you could send her a text that says, “Hey, I was gonna call you, is that okay?” That way she knows that you really want to be her friend and talk to her, but the ball is in her court and she can rise to the occasion when she is comfortable and ready.
Also, don’t push her to go out places that will make her uncomfortable, like to the mall or movies or other big gatherings. When you want to hang out, suggest that she come over to your place, or you to hers, or somewhere that she is comfortable. What she really needs is to keep that contact with you, her good friend, but she is afraid to because she has this anxiety of being in social situations even with people she truly cares about. As much as it hurts you when she says “No I don’t want to hang out today”, it actually hurts her even worse because she really DOES want to hang out, it’s just that her anxiety makes her feel like she can’t. So when you want to hang out, call her up and say, “Hey, I was wondering if you were doing anything this weekend? Do you want to hang out and do something? You pick.” That lets her make the decision and allows her to pick a comfortable place where she can be with you and not have to fight her anxiety the whole time.
I know it’s hard and takes a lot of patience to be friends with someone with social anxiety, but the more she realizes that you accept her condition and want to help her work around it, the more comfortable she will become. Half the problem of anxiety is that we sufferers always keep it bottled up inside of us, we don’t want the world to know we have anxiety, and that makes us even more anxious. When she knows that you know, and that you accept it and just want to help and make her comfortable, it will actually make her more comfortable and able to hang out with you. People with social anxiety often have a “safe person”, who they can venture into social situations with knowing that they are “protected” or safe within the company of that person. You could be that person, and slowly help her get out into the world and face her fears.
Also, if your friend is not receiving help for her social anxiety, gently encourage her to talk to a counselor at your school about it. Anxiety disorders are very common and VERY responsive to treatment. If she starts getting help now, she can live the rest of her life normal, happy, and social. This is coming from someone who has been there and done that… I got the right treatment, had the right support from loving friends, and now I am perfectly happy going out places and doing things with large groups of people. It is very treatable, it’s something she can get past, but she needs the right professional help as well as the strong support of a good friend like you.
Good luck!
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